


there's a light, burning bright

by DarkBeauty_890



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Fluff and Angst, Healthy discussions, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Oohh boy, boyfriends being boyfriends, i introduced even's mom which is cool, lots of both of those, sassier isak, sassy even, this bastard too foreverrr man
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-17
Updated: 2017-01-17
Packaged: 2018-09-18 05:00:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9369020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkBeauty_890/pseuds/DarkBeauty_890
Summary: “The fact that it’s so good when its good is kind of the reason it’s so bad when it’s bad.”"What are you thinking about?" The very boy turns his head a bit on Even's pillow, shoulders bare and eyes even more so.Isak's eyes holds all of the secret to the universe, Even thinks. Always open and trusting Even to never let him down. So he tries not to. Because letting Isak down is like letting the earth shatter around him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> So this one came out of nowhere haha
> 
> I just sat down and was like- alright so I have feelings and Even has feelings, so let's put our feelings together and create a near 5K fic, shall we?
> 
> I hope you like it!

Even was 14 years old the first time he had an episode.

Thinking back on it was a haze; like some sort of underwater dream he'd had, where emotions were magnified to the thousands, but the truth in front of him was distorted and confusing. He'd felt like he was dying on the inside despite the voice in his head telling him _go go go never stop_ and then _stop stop stop you'll never go again_. 

 

 

It was all some very poetic bullshit.

Compared to the episodes he'd later have, it wasn't all that bad. It was a lot of jogging in the early mornings before even sun had deigned to make its appearance. It was a lot of experimenting with cooking; a lot of pancakes and soufflés; a lot of unnecessary banging in the kitchen that never ceased to bring his mother to tears at the sight of her son with a gleam in his eye that wasn't natural.

Not _normal._

Fuck.

Maybe it was a relief to her when he crashed and couldn't get out of bed for two weeks.

* * *

  
Isak was- he was-

  
Isak was an entity that Even never expected.

He was young and immature and childish and he partied too much and always said the wrong thing in the wrong moment. But he was also so beautiful in a way that most people aren't.

Sonja was beautiful; like a setting sun and when she smiled, he could see the moon.

Problem was, Even lived his life in darkness and the moon just wasn't his friend anymore. Where in her eyes he used to see stars, he now only saw the darkness of space.  
But Isak. He was like a sunrise, full of youth and innocence and _bright._

Even felt a little blinded by him the first time he saw Isak and even after knowing him, touching him, _loving him_ , the brightness has never dulled even for moment. His ability to chase away the clouds threatening to consume Even had never faltered.

Isak was his undeserved miracle.

Which made it all the more terrifying that one day, Isak would leave and what would Even be left with? Cardamom toast and weed-tinted kisses and the smell of Isak that would fade on his pillow? Fuck that.

"What are you thinking about?" The very boy turns his head a bit on Even's pillow, shoulders bare and eyes even more so.

Isak's eyes holds all of the secret to the universe, Even thinks. Always open and trusting Even to never let him down. So he tries not to. Because letting Isak down is like letting the earth shatter around him.

Even swallows and retracts the hand that had been thumbing mindless patterns over the skin of Isak's back. "I don't want to tell you."

Isak's eyes sharpen a bit and Even knows that even before he opens his mouth, Isak knows what he's hiding. But he doesn't let on. Not like Sonja who would call him out the moment she even suspected. No one else can tell you how you feel. So Isak relaxes into the sheets. "Oh. Why?"

"Because I don't want to ruin this minute."

"I don't think you can," Isak smiles to himself and his eyes slip shut a moment, long lashes fanning out and touching the tops of his cheek bones. They open again and Even can breathe. "Tell me, if you want. If you don't than come over here and kiss me."

God Even wants to. Wants to kiss him and hold him and love him until the world around them burns down. But Even thinks that he may unknowingly be holding the matches and he's a couple steps away from dropping it.

So he remains where he is and opens his mouth. Isak would prefer this honesty anyway. "I haven't been sleeping. It's- things are starting to tint around the edges, it's like- like I can hear a movie score rising in volume; rising and rising steadily and I think it's going to reach it's crescendo soon. Do you know what happens after that?"

Isak's voice is barely above a whisper, "Silence?"

Even nods, "Silence."

Isak nods, "Okay."

Even flinches. "That's it?"

"What more do you want?" Isak snuggles closer to Even and places his head on his heart, "We'll deal with it as it happens. And get through it. Like always."

Like always.

Because it's a never ending rollercoaster of emotion that tips Even up to his highest point and then throws him down. Over and over again and he never asked to be put on the ride, you know? He wants off. _He wants off, he wants off, he wants off._

And yet.

"I hate it," he whispers to Isak, "I hate it so much. For me, and my family, and you."

"I know."

Even tugs Isak closer and folds himself around his sun. Maybe then he can stave off the darkness for a little longer.

 

* * *

  
It's not always dark.

In fact, most of the time it's very light and happy now that he has Isak and friends and a sense of belonging. It's weird that he went 18 years and never really belonged like he does now.

"I'm just saying," Isak laughs with smeared whip cream all over his face, "that you think you're a better chef than you actually are."

Even is offended and Even is delighted. He swings another dollop of cream at Isak, grabbing him with one arm around the waist and pulling him closer to Even's body. Isak of course, the little shit, hunches down and puts all of his weight on Even until they're both going down to the ground hard.

"You fucker," Isak gasps, grin wide on his face and snapback askew and covered in cream.

"This is sickening."

The both look up like children with their hands caught in the cookie jar at Eskild, draped in a silk robe, who stands at the entrance of the kitchen with a steaming cup of coffee in hand. Noora of course, is not far behind and Even can see it, the tiny speckle of longing housed in the way her lips tilt down and then back up.

He knows the feeling. But he can't be too distracted by it because Isak is wriggling half underneath him and- oh if he keeps moving like that his roommates will get an eyeful of _something._

"Sorry," Even offers somewhere in the ballpark of sincere. "You see, Isak was slandering my good name as a chef and I couldn't let that stand."

"He burnt the pancakes!" Isak finally frees himself and takes Noora's offered hand to stand up, who in turn, grabs Even to pull him up.

"Because Isak thought it would be funny to try and-" Even stops, cocking his head to the side and thinking better of sharing the reason he was too distracted to keep track of the pancakes.

"Yeah." Noora says, gesturing to Even's lower half. "We uh- we can fill in the blanks."

When Isak see's it, he bursts out in loud laughter, tears nearly rolling down his eyes.

There is a hand print of powdered sugar decorating Even's crotch. Right there, like a spotlight on Even's dick proclaiming to the world that he had been grabbed by none other than Isak Valtersen. And Isak- he doesn't seem repentent at all about it. He doesn't seem uncomfortable at the attention of Noora and Eskild or upset that he's been called out.

He's just Isak; smiles and curly hair and a couple of suggestive looks to the marked area and the hand that still holds traces of the sugar in beween fingers.

Even tries to feel something other than overwhelmingly happy but can't seem to do it.

"I think this might be the gayest thing I've ever seen," Eskild proclaims, throwing a dish towel to Isak, "And like- I live at the gay club. I've been to orgies and I-"

" _I_ don't need to hear this." Noora plugs her ears and starts to wildly sing off-tune Justin Bieber, sending Eskild into hysterics.

Even hip bumps Isak, "We should go to a gay club. We could dance and drink and..." he trails off with a grin.

Isak returns the glances, "There are some things we can do right now. In my room."

Even grabs Isak's hand and pulls him along, waving apologetically to Eskild and Noora and a bleary eyed Linn for the mess. "Sorry everyone! No breakfast today- duty calls!"

Isak's resounding laughter is the soundtrack to his life.

 

* * *

  
Sometimes there is frustration.

"I don't want to do it."

Isak presses his lips together, "I know that. But I talked to your mom and-"

"Okay, cool, so you're talking to my mom behind my back."

"Even, it's not like that." At Even's mutinous glare Isak throws up his hands, "She's worried and I'm worried and you're shutting down on me."

"That doesn't give you the right to talk about me to other people. Like I'm not even there? Like it's not my mind you're trying to- trying to-"

_Control._ But he won't say it. Because saying it is putting Isak on the same playing field as Sonja and though he may not like what Isak has done and he may have forgiven Sonja for everything she's done- they are not the same. They'll never be the same.

Or he hopes not.

Isak looks down and runs a hand through his hair, ignoring when his snapback falls off. "I'm not trying to do that to you. But Even- I hate it when you-"

"When I what? Get sick? Have episodes?"

"For fuck's sake!" Isak snaps, "Let me finish a sentence. I hate it when you look at yourself in the mirror and hate it. I hate when we're laying in bed and I can fucking feel you melt into a place that I can't pull you out of. I don't care if you agree with me or tell me to fuck off- but _listen_ to what I'm saying."

"Fine," Even mutters, turning away from his boyfriend, "I'm listening."

"Can't you just try it?"

"Try what?" Even shrugs his jacket off and balls it up, throwing it aggressively on the floor of Isak's bedroom. "Try medication that will turn me into a zombie? I want to be able to _feel_ things, Isak. I don't want to become a fucking doll that goes through the motions of life instead of living it."

"You won't be." Isak approaches him with his hands up, like Even is a fucking spooked animal. It pisses him off because he never wants Isak to look at him like he's anything less than- well _less._ And he knows that's not what he's doing- but fuck.

Even accepts Isak's touch. He accepts the cool hands that run under his shirt and up his back. He accepts the goosebumps and the headache and the feeling that he was standing at the edge of a cliff. "How do you know?"

"Because you are the most alive person I have ever met." Isak slides around until he's standing right in front of his face and cupping his cheeks. "Medication can't take that away from you. I won't let it. And if it does- if you really don't feel better with is- then we find another way."

 

* * *

  
"You're pitiful." Even says, brushing an errant curl back from Isak's damp forehead.

The very boy groans and mutter incoherently, turning to put his back to Even. "I'm going to die."

"I don't think you are."

"Yes, I am." Isak coughed, the sound wet and horrible enough to make even Even wince. Isak throws up a hand as if in proof. "I'm dying. Right now. Goodbye cruel world and all that."  
Would it be wrong to smile right now? Because Even can feel the tug at the corners of his mouth. It's just- he's ridiculous. Even told Isak it was a bad idea for him and Jonas to see who could stand out in the snow in nothing but their underwear for the longest. But did Isak listen to him? Fucking never.

" _That_ ," Even drawls out the word, "Would be a tragedy. Who else am I going to watch movies with? Or make cheese toasties with?"

Isak groans again, "You're not taking this seriously."

"Isak," Even glances up at the cieling to pull some patience from the gods above. "Baby. You have the flu. And you have it because you and Jonas got high and decided to be idiots."

Isak sniffles. He holds a hand out behind him, which Even dutifully fills with a tissue. Isak blows and thank god Even loves him, because that shit is gross.

There is no way Isak is going to school today. Which means there is no way that Even is going to school today. He resigns himself to his fate and slips off his shoes and outer coat, and shrugs off his backpack.

"Scoot over."

Isak does, turning a red and watery eye toward him. "Are you staying?"

"And leave you to choke on your own snot?" Even grins and slides into the unnaturally warm covers. When he's situated comfortably, he meets Isak's owlish eyes. "Halla."

"Halla," Isak turns sharply away and sneezes, moaning in pain.

Even hooks an arm under Isak's waist, pulling him closer to rest against Even's chest like an oversized teddy bear. "I can make you some soup."

He feels Isak nod against his chest. "Thank you."

"And when the soup's done, we can watch a movie on your laptop."

"Which one?"

Even rolls his eyes, "Anything but-"

" _Fast and Furious_."

"-that," he finishes with a fond grin, but peck Isak on the forehead anyway. "I still don't understand why you like those movies."

Isak coughs again, and has to sit up in order to regain his breath. Even rubs his back the entire way through the hacking because _that_ is what good boyfriends do. All of this is what good boyfriends do. And Even should know this because this is what Isak does on a daily basis. Granted, not to this extreme, but every day Even can count the ways in which Isak takes care of him.

This day? Gross and whiny Isak in return for all of that? No brainer.

Isak's voice is even hoarser when he responds, "Cars. Action. Guns. Vin Diesel."

Even raises an eyebrow, settling Isak back down to burrow in his arm. "Really Vin Diesel? He does it for you?"

"Every time."

"Huh." Even reaches under to pinch Isak's side, ignoring the swat to the chest he gets in response, "Should I go to the gym more? Shave my head?"

"Don't you dare." Isak peers up from Even's chest, "But you can go make me my soup now."

Even loves him. So much. And it's the oddest times that the thought races to the forefront of his mind.

"Yes, Baby."

 

* * *

  
"Go away."

Isak is ignoring him. Isak _fucking_ never listens. How can someone who is so generally quiet be so fucking bad at listening?

"Even-"

"Get out."

Can't Isak see that Even can't deal with him in here right now?

This? This is the worst part of him; the days Isak had missed last time when he told Even to stop texting him. This is the self-loathing part of the rollercoaster that turns every miniscule doubt that Even has ever had about Isak, about their relationship, and puts it on a loud speaker. Blasts it out through every corner of his mind, leaving no fucking nerve untouched. Right now Even is a livewire and Isak is the very thing that may set him off.

If Isak wants to stay with him through the depression, through the sleeping and through the tears; that is one thing. But this part of him? The angry part that threatens to jump out of his very chest and burn the world to the ground?

Isak needs to be safe from this.

He needs to remained untouched and pure and light and happy.

"I'm not going anywhere." If only he'd fucking listen. "I can't just leave you here alone when you're hurting."

"I can't have you in here." Even sits up suddenly from the position he's been curled into in his bed and truly faces Isak, even though it feels like the movement is tearing him in half, "I can't have you in here. You're killing me right now. You are literally- just go, Isak."

Isak opens his mouth, but Even can see the conflicting emotions on his face. The hurt, the terror, and concern. Never pity. Never pity with Isak; which Even is so thankful for, but he can't have Isak in here when it feels like Even is falling out of his own skin and into an abyss.

Isak nods once, tears escaping his eyes and rolling down his cheek like a perfect movie scene. But he turns quickly and leaves the room, door snapping shut behind him.

Even pretends not to notice the way Isak has clearly slumped down to sit on the other side of the door.

* * *

  
"Isak, sweetheart, will you peel some potatoes? I'd ask my son, but he's too busy staring at you."

Mrs. Bech Naeshem, whom Isak has grown to adore (and how could he not? Even always was his mother's child) gestures to the pot. Isak hops down eagerly, kissing her cheek on the way to the sink.

Even leans back against the counter with a sip of wine and a content smile. When Isak draws close enough, he leans in and whispers, "Kiss ass."

Isak rolls his eyes and opens his hands expectantly for the peeler Even had released from a drawer. When he has it, he hip bumps Even softly with a playful smile.

"Even, will you chop the carrots?"

"You know, Mom, I would; but I'm a little busy staring at Isak."

Isak snorts at the same time Even's mom starts laughing. He joins in the joke with a grin, but he's almost entirely serious. Isak looks beautiful today. He'd gotten Isak in a nice button down shirt, much like the one he'd been wearing last Christmas and his snapback was mysteriously missing.

(More like Even had _accidently_ thrown it out the window when Isak had worn it almost two weeks straight. Isak hadn't been happy.)

His mom nevertheless holds up a bushel of carrots in one hand and a knife in the other, which Even accepts with a mock sigh. He sets up station next to his boyfriend.

  
"Hi," he says to Isak. "Come here often?"

Isak looks at him like he's crazy, "Are you hitting on me in your parent's kitchen?"

"Maybe."

"I'm embarrassed by you."

Even frowns, "That's not true right?"

That's- yeah, Isak just hit on an insecurity, whether he knew it or not. Well, of course he didn't know it. Isak would never- he's not like that. It's not like that.

Isak pauses his methodical peeling and places the half-naked potato down. Pointedly shifting the sharp knife in Even's hand away from his chest, he steps forward and brushes his lips softly against Even's. Even- he stands there, feeling his whirring mind slow down and focus purely on the feel of Isak.

When he pulls back, Isak resumes his potato peeling. "It's not true at all. I shouldn't have said it."

"No, of course it's not true." Even rinses the carrots off and begins chopping. "I know that. It just- for a moment there-"

"You don't have to explain. But it's _not_ true."

"Should I turn on the radio?"

Isak jumps at the sound of his mother's voice. Like he'd forgotten that she was in the kitchen at all. Even smiles slightly and leans down to kiss the side of his head. "Yeah, turn it on to anything."

She does and they've seem to plug in right as a song was ending. _Excellent,_ that means they wouldn't be going into one half way. Even hates that for some reason; hates to enter something half-way. You should start at the beginning and work your way from there.

Look at his relationship with Isak-

_Åh hosianna, Hevenu shalom_   
_Fem fine frøkner ska aldri dra hjem_   
_Lyden av noe som slipper oss fri_   
_Vi har'sje penger men vi eier allting_

"No," Isak says, placing both hands on the counter. "No way."

Even can't help the laugh that bubbles out of his chest. "This is amazing. It's our song!"

"This is not our song! Gabrielle is not our song- artist- person or whatever. Maybe NAS or-"

"Nope!" Even puts the carrots and knife down on the counter, grabbing the potatoes and peeler out of his boyfriend's hand. His hands grab Isak's hips and force them to sway along to the song with him.

And it's like that day in Isak's kitchen.

Before everything happened; when Even was just beginning to feel his first episode in his post-Isak world. The morning he and Isak had danced around for almost an hour to the pop songs on the radio; when they had woken up a grumpy Linn who demanded pancakes as payment. The morning Even knew without a doubt that there wasn't anything in the world he wouldn't give up to wake next to Isak each morning.

One of the best mornings of his life.

"You two are so strange." But his mom was smiling at them and something in her eyes that said she was happy.

He's always wanted to make his mom happy like that. So he grins at her and unceremoniously shoves Isak at her. Isak caught on quickly though, grabbing her arms and twirling her around in a mock dance.

  
That day in Isak's kitchen was one of the best of his life.

  
But this one was pretty damn good too.

 

* * *

  
"Are Evak fighting?"

Isak glares at Magnus, tearing into his sandwich with a silence as loud a cannon fire. And Even doesn't rush to fill in the gap. If he did, he might just start yelling again. And yelling in the middle of a high school cafeteria is frowned upon. He should know.

"Yikes." Mahdi leans forward, grasping Even's shoulder in commiseration, "Sucks man. What'd you do?"

Even smiles thinly and unwraps his own sandwich, "Why do you assume it was my fault?"

Mahdi opens his mouth to respond, but considers. He turns his gaze on Isak, "What did _you_ do then?"

"It's none of your _fucking_ business." Isak exhales, "And I didn't do anything."

"Nope. Because Isak never does anything wrong." Even sips on his soda he'd gotten from the lunch line, "Right _baby_?"

Even takes a sort of vindictive joy in the way Isak's face goes red. But the joy is immediately squashed by a hurt lodged deep in his stomach. He hates this. He hates sitting on opposite ends of the table with Isak, hates the way his nails are digging into his palm in fury, hates fighting with Isak. _Hates it hates it hates it._

But here they are.

Jonas leans back in his chair, giving the other two guys a _look_.

The table is completely silent for about 20 seconds. Just long enough for Even to take another drag of his soda through the straw, before Isak is slamming his sandwich down on the table.

"I fucking needed help and she was there to talk to."

Even slams his own drink down, paying no mind to the way it sloshes over the side. "If you fucking need help, you talk to me- not her, Isak. Not fucking her."

"It was _fucking her_ who stood by you for years, Even."

"And I told you that she did it wrong!" Even leaned back in his chair, trying like hell to control the volume of his voice. He didn't need the whole of Nissen to see into private squabbles with his boyfriend. Not even the boys really needed to be here, but he supposes it was Even and Isak who had brought their war to them. "I told you how she made me feel. I _told_ you and you still listened to her? Did you not think I'd know the minute you made that comment this morning that it screamed of Sonja?"

"I didn't think-"

"That's fucking right you didn't think." Even sighed, dragging a hand roughly through his unstyled hair. Isak had spent the morning holed up in the bathroom in order to escape the oppressive silence and Even had been forced to go without hair product for the day. "Only I know how I feel. We talked about this. _We talked about it_. You can't just go behind my back like this. If you have something to ask, you ask me. That is what a relationship is."

Isak's jaw clenched and he was silent. Beside him, Magnus's eyes were wide and bright, looking almost devastated as he watched his self proclaimed 'favorite couple' fight. It was almost enough to break Even out of his furious mindset.

But there was only one person who could actually do that.

Isak nodded once, "Okay." He looked up from the table at met Even's gaze, "Okay. I'm sorry. You're right. Only you can feel what you feel."

Even held his gaze for a few long moments, gauging whether Isak was being honest or just backing down from the fight. But Isak held his gaze steady and Even- Even could read Isak. He could read Isak until the end of days.

The hot tight coil of anger loosened in his gut and her could literally feel his muscles unlocking, his heart whispering _'it's okay now, we're okay now'_ to his brain.

Even nodded, accepting his apology and Isak got up from his seat, and deposited himself and his lunch in his rightful place next to Even.

Had they not been in public, Isak would have leaned his head against Even's collarbone, maybe kiss his jaw in apology. the way he always does when they've worked through an argument.

But they're not, so Isak just reaches a hand out under the table and squeezes Even's.

And it's enough.

 

* * *

  
"Do you love me?"

Isak's eyes slide open, wincing against the morning light that was steadily brightening the room. He blinks once, twice, a third time, before cuddling in closer to Even. "Yes. Very much. But I'd love you more if you didn't hog the covers."

Even lets out a breath, feeling innumerably happy for this moment, plain and un-exciting as it may be.

He's waking up with Isak in his arms yet again. Like he's been doing for a long time now. And how awesome is that? He's lucky- he's so fucking lucky to have this. To _feel_ this way and to have the feeling returned.

"If-" Even clears his throat, trying to beat down the emotion that threatens to consume him. But like, a good kind of emotion. It's complicated. He starts again, "If I didn't steal the covers, you wouldn't be in my arms. You'd be on your side of the bed and I'd be on mine and how fun would that be?"

Isak smiles, even as his eyes seem to shut again, "Your logic is sound. No covers for us."

"I love you." Even has never meant a single sentence more than this one right here. "I love you so much. It's pretty crazy."

He has Isak's attention again. "Why? Because we're so young?"

Even scoffs, "No. I'd love you the same way if I was thirty when we met."

"That would be scandalous. If you were thirty and I was till seventeen." Isak wrinkles his nose, "Ew."

He rolls his eyes, "You know what I mean."

"Why is it so crazy that you love me, then?"

"I don't know," Even smiles and noses through the curls resting on Isak's forehead, "It's just- how can I love you so much? It's crazy. I was with Sonja for years and never- not like this. I almost feel guilty. Like the world can't possibly have this much love in it and I'm just hogging it all with my feelings for you."

Isak's smile was so soft and bright and it really was like the sun was shining in that moment. His personal sun. "I don't know what to say. You always have all of the words. Every single time and  have nothing. But I know I love you- and that you can't possibly love me more than I do you. It's impossible."

Even shrugs, "It doesn't really matter. I just wanted you to know."

"Well I do," Isak sits up, stretching a bit smiling when Even's hands brush over the skin of his back. "We were made to last, didn't you know? Ride or fucking die, remember?"  
Even paused, "I can't believe you just ruined this moment with a fucking Fast and Furious quote."

Isak laughs and Even has no choice but to tackle him back onto the bed.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading, guys! I really hoped you liked it.
> 
> If you did, it really does mean a lot if you pop down to the comments section and tell me you enjoyed yourself while reading it. I also love kudos. They make me feel all good and warm inside :P
> 
> I'm also on Tumblr where I write daily skam drabbles that don't get posted on archive! So pop on over to @shadeandadidas and come party with me.


End file.
